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LATE TO MYSELF

I don’t know if this is a “wisdom comes with age” thing, a confidence thing or just a “me” thing, but I feel I was late to control my own life.
I don’t mean that I didn’t make decisions or that I was unhappy. I did things I wanted to do, went places I wanted to go, and I did marry the most amazing person who has always pushed me to be me. I had just allowed other things to have more control over me than myself; fear, opinions, and expectations. I never felt comfortable in my skin or in my own voice. I let others walk on me. I allowed these fears – of almost everything – to dictate my life.
I chose a career in graphic design, because that is what was expected. It bored me. I tried B2B, B2C, marketing, web design and finally settled on E-learning. I was good at it. It paid decently and it allowed me to be somewhat creative. Still, it mainly let me hide behind others so that I did not have to interact with “strangers”.
In 2009 I was stuck trying to figure out how to fabricate the telescoping spear for my Nuada costume the way I wanted it to work. There was a contest and I didn’t want anyone I knew to know I needed help. So I went online, lurked around a bit and reluctantly joined a forum to see if I could get some outside ideas to spark a solution. I didn’t, but I ended up finding a group of people that I just connected with. They didn’t know me but they gave me heartfelt support, honest critiques and words of encouragement. Online, I was coming out of my shell. In the real-world, everything was as it had always been.

In 2010, in that forum, I was challenged to make a 3D short. It was a format I had never played with before and I have never been so frustrated and so inspired at the same time. From start to finish, I spent 172 days obsessed with building this animation and learning everything I could. Then came the day I published it.

My online-world and real-life worlds had just crossed. I had my first and *knock on wood* only panic attack. I was terrified that my friends and family would think that what I had had so much fun building, devoting my time to and surrounding myself with online “strangers” over, was dumb.

I was truly shocked when all but one person supported me. Having that one “friend” make fun of me over the whole thing this time didn’t make me stop. It still hurt and I still took it very personally, but I didn’t stop because of it. This was a small turning point.

The animation went on to be translated into 5 languages, was nominated for a Twitter Shorty Award and it had an amazing life of its own. During this time, I felt like I became sort of the spokesperson for the group that had challenged me to make it, as well as the global community it had gained. I started going to events – by myself! I met some of the people from online – in person, and I traveled to another country. Remarkably because of all this, I got to meet a true creative I admire, Guillermo del Toro.
I am still friends with nearly everyone I talked with back then and that is where I met my bestest friend. She and my husband may be connected through some crazy hive mind or something, as they both say nearly the same things to me an awful lot. Just the facts – just encouragement – no sugar coating. They both push me to be me.
I started to feel some confidence in expressing myself, maybe 10% better than before. I definitely felt that I wouldn’t die if I met a stranger and had to talk to them. In fact, I found when I did talk to a stranger, I really enjoyed learning about them.
So life went on. The forum closed. The animation lived it’s life, I gained some great memories and I had a little less fear. Sometimes I would experiment with saying what was on my mind or trying to assert myself, but mostly I still allowed others opinions to dictate the things I did, as it had always been.
And that is how it was until mid-2015.
In December of 2014 I was pushed, (with semi-forceful loving intentions by my good friends and longtime neighbors) into trying out for ‘Syfy’s Faceoff‘. Filming the audition video was torture for me. Talking about myself and things I truly loved doing and why — in front of people! Horrifying. I did run to the restroom to cry at one point. To my surprise, I got through each step of the process. Meeting people, being interviewed – but this had a whole different feel to it. I love making costumes, props, and make-ups and I got to be a total geek about it! And people wanted to hear about it.
I did make it on the show and then totally became my fearful, own-worst-enemy-self and made a mistake. I then panicked myself into another… and another.
I had to wait 3 months knowing what had happened – knowing it was going to on a popular TV show – about something I love – waiting in complete fear.

Then it aired.
And I survived!

I kept coming back to the thought of “I failed in front of millions of people and lived. What do I have left to fear?” And I truly believe that, that failure was the best thing that could have happened. I learned more about myself than I think I would have learned even if everything had gone well.

Shortly after that, the company which I had been at for the last 9 years, laid off all but 2 people. It had been a remote design  job that fit me pretty well. Being an “older” female in the design/tech field – it was not easy to get interviews but I went on a few and I just couldn’t shake the nauseating feeling that my soul would die in an office environment, sitting at a 9-5 desk again.

Shortly after that, the company which I had been at for the last 9 years, laid off all but 2 people. It had been a remote design  job that fit me pretty well. Being an “older” female in the design/tech field – it was not easy to get interviews but I went on a few and I just couldn’t shake the nauseating feeling that my soul would die in an office environment, sitting at a 9-5 desk again.

He supported me. (Like I said he is an amazing person!)

I am now doing what I love and I have to be my own advocate. I have to work with strangers at every job and I have to be in direct contact with the “client”. I have to manage people and I get to teach people. I have to cold call! I still have my fears, but it’s getting easier and easier to push past them.

Last week I went to my first networking meeting and I had an absolute blast!! It is amazing how following your heart and having good people around you can change the perspective of everything.

I am still learning and I am late, but I feel I have finally arrived at myself.